Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

A farmer was walking into town to do some errands
He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to go to 23 Elm street. Could you tell me the way? "

"Sure," said the farmer. "Actually, I'll be walking right by 23 Elm. I can just walk you there. "

As they went along, the farmer started to take his usual shortcut down a narrow, somewhat darkened alley. The schoolmistress halted in alarm. "Are we going to go down there!" She exclaimed.

"Why not?" Asked the farmer, puzzled and irritated.

"It's so dark and deserted!" The schoolmistress said. "You might be planning to push me up against the wall, yank up my skirt and ravish me!"

" Lady, " the farmer said, annoyed. "I'm carrying a bucket, a brick, two chickens and a duck. How exactly am i supposed to ravish you? "

The schoolmistress replied, "You put the duck down under the bucket, put the brick on top, and I hold a chicken under each arm."

 

With a pronounced Scots accent!

 

Talk about photo bombing a wedding shot


Everyone amazingly calm. I'd have had to change my pants.

 

I rode a tank in desert storm and have been around some pretty big booms. But the one that scared me the most was when I was building my house in the mountains of Southern California. Some neighbor kids stumbled upon some abandoned dynamite and blasting caps in the ruins of an old cabin not far away. The authorities were called and after determining it was too unstable to relocate they decided to detonate in place. No warning, no siren, nothing just BOOM! Scared the crap out of me.
I can’t imagine Beirut.

 

I had friends who were mapping mine fields for the UN and they'd occasionally have to deal with unexploded bombs. The chief guy had fun stories about going through airports and getting on planes with C4. It's not something you can put in checked baggage. One day he phoned me and said I'd hear a boom in a few minutes. I asked where they were working? 80 kms away! I had my doubts. Sure enough, big boom a little later. It was a big assed unexploded bomb.
They lived for that stuff.

 

Nope name tag is just a number. Anti protester squad.

 

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.
Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

 

A failing zoo was desperate to drive attendance.
After much discussion, they finally purchased a gnu from Africa.

In anticipation of its arrival, the zoo built a new exhibit for the hard-to-obtain animal. It was a beautiful indoor/outdoor enclosure and contractors worked diligently to meet the deadline of the animal’s arrival.

Unfortunately, the gnu came early.

The zoo keeper decided to put the gnu in the cage even though the floor wasn’t finished. There were stacks of tile, caulk, trowels, etc. in one of the corners.

The zoo keeper was shocked the next morning when he checked in on the beast and discovered the floor was completely finished. And it was gorgeous.

A lightbulb went bright over the zoo keeper’s head. He put the gnu in another cage. He added flooring supplies. Sure enough next morning same outcome! A beautiful new floor.

The zoo held a press conference to introduce their latest attraction as well as the unique gift the gnu brought to the zoo.

When the zoo keeper was finished explaining the story of what had taken place, a reporter raised his hand and said, “How do you explain these remarkable gifts?”

The zoo keeper shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Typical gnu and tiler too.”

 

I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.
.
.
.
My life is all specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

 

Jim and Bob, are sitting at their local bar having a few beers.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know what, I'm tired of going through life without a real education. Tomorrow I think I'll go down to that community college and sign up for some classes."
Next day, Jim goes to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?"
"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you would have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual." says Jim. "That's amazing, you were able to find out all that because I have a whipper snipper!"
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?"

"No."

"Then you're a poofter."

 

I was going to say not to make fun of Trump fans but that would be wrong of me so I won't.

And you're welcome @FatBack. I know you would have posted the same and I know you don't have any warnings to spare.

 

BLASPHEMY! snicker snicker
You're a BLASPHEMER! hee hee hee hee

 

Don’t worry Bluey, God’ll get him for that, and several other unwise utterances.

 

“How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.”