Your child says I'm gay. What do you do?

Your child tells you they are gay. How do you handle that? Do you reject them and say you made the wrong choice? Do you pack their bags and chase them from the house? Do you hate them forever and tell them you never want to hear from them again? Do you say it is against God?
Do you love and accept them for who they are? What do you do?
My parents gave me a hard time and we still speak and I still care but we have a very mediocre relationship.

What do you say to your now gay child?

 

If my kid told me he was gay....

I wouldn't care. I raised my kid from when he was a baby. I didn't know he was gay then. Why should anything change?

 

That is the time when they need a supportive parent the most.

 

I guess so.

 

well...you look at the child you have raised and adored and invested your whole life in and you see the pain and fear in his eyes and you do whatever it takes to make that pain go away...or try to...

then you go off and fall apart, stress, worry, GRIEVE, you obsess about everything they ever said and wonder if it's something you did...and you go back and give him as much love as it's possible to...

but here's the kicker...you don't give up everything, being gay doesn't change who your child IS, and it doesn't change how you expect them to act in a material way....

 

if you truly know your child, he will not have to tell you. People that are surprised are average parents at best.

 

The 100% Vatican Approved "retraining" Device. It has all you need to "straighten out" any effeminate or other testosterone challenged individuals and remind them that God hates their very presence upon the earth.



Merely attach to your child thrice times daily for 30-60 minutes depending on the severity of the sinfulness of the child.

 

aww, Smiley!

{{{{Smiley}}}} I know how hard it is, I really really do...

but try to remember that your parents are in this with you and they probably don't mean to hurt you..they are going thru their own things, and it's hard as you get older to adapt to new things.

us old geezers like things to go as planned, we have your whole lifes planned out, we got the wedding all set in our minds and who our inlaws will be like, we expect to see grandkids and holiday dinners with the Norman Rockwell style on display...

not that the alternative is WRONG or worse...it's very very different though..let your parents have a little space, respect their boundaries (up to a point...) and I would bet they would come back to you. I CAN tell you unequivocally (sp) that they DO LOVE you though. Don't ever doubt that.

 

I have no idea what you are talking about.

 

I bolded one phrase, is that an indication that you thought the child son or daughter made a choice?

Love is what the child does need at the time. It may be followed by a million questions and a dialogue.
My parents had difficulty from the start but did okay. The big problems started when I wanted to bring the girlfriend over just to meet them. Nothing lewd behind that at all. It turned into a (*)(*)(*)(*)(*) session that hurts many years later.

 

From my own experience with the gay community most parents don't know or refuse to admit what they have an inkling about. I think it is the parent saying I sure hope she or he is not gay.

 

My mother did in the midst of all of the turmoil say one cute thing. I had pictured you since birth marring the football player she said she wasn't sure she could settle for a cheerleader.
I do know there is still love. But we still have issues. Many years later they still continue. I don't give up nor have they. I was not disowned like many I have known.

 

I never thought of it as a 'choice', Smiley...why would he choose something that caused him pain? I know that some activities cause pain in the long run, like drugs or alcohol or such...but I don't think anyone consciously chooses something that causes immediate pain or fear.

our circumstances were unique (aren't everyones?) and my husband and son didn't speak to each other for about six months.. we have worked through most of it. I don't kid myself that there will be more as time goes by.

and no, bringing a girlfriend home isn't lewd at all...but let me guess what your parents felt...when you were just SAYING you were gay, they could be in denial and imagine that you might change your mind...(hey Anne Heche did, right?)...but if you actually get a girlfriend, it's suddenly REAL and they have to face it. It can be a hard thing..

 

I am so glad to hear that, Smiley. You seem like a really smart, together young lady, I am sure your parents are very proud of you.

and I bet they are trying.

one of the hardest things I had to do growing up was accept that my own mother had a life and mind of her own, outside of being 'Mom'...that she was actually human. All any of us can do it our best.

 

well, thank you for your opinion..

looking back, there were signs...but it's just not something you think about generally.

I have a friend that has a boy as effeminate as they come, plays music and loves Hello Kitty and all things anime....and he recently got married to a lovely young premed student..

I can't/won't buy into the stereotype that you can tell someone is gay by their mannerisms or looks.

 

I would do the same thing as if he/she came up to me and said they were straight.

Nothing.

 

Thanks for the clarification. I was not sure what you meant. Certainly when i first got the idea I was lesbian I had serious concerns. I even tried to fight myself but that was how it is and well it has worked out. I agree why would someone decided to be hated and disliked and ridiculed all their lives? I don't think anyone would.

My parents and I had words right off and it simmered down over the next few weeks. But I still see them and they have met my wife who was the girlfriend I had at the time. It still bothers dad more than my mom.

You may be right about the feelings that emerged when i wanted to bring the girlfriend over. That was about two months after I came out. They had time to adjust I thought. But I guess they weren't that adjusted.

The woman I am with had serious problems with her mother and still does. I have never met the woman in fact. I have met her dad but the mom is no way. I am not sure that will ever heal.

 

The day I came out reality hit us all in the face. I was in my late teems when i came out. i knew a long time before but just could not face the potential rejection that I have seen others face. When I came out it shifted the difficulty to them and now that I look back I expected them to deal with something that I had known and adjust to for years. So in some ways i was not fair to them.

 

Okay, I got a good laugh out of that one.

But unfortunately, that is about the equivalent of what some people would put their gay kids through.

 

Yes it is. There are lots of gay kids who have horrendous experiences with families.

 

You seem to think love is an emotional thing, a sort of energy that flows from you to the object of your affection that makes him or her feel special. I would suggest you rethink that idea.

Obviously not, but physical self-injury is a well known phenomenon, and one may also find a sick pleasure in judging the judgment one feels from society.

Sounds like a marriage made in Hell.

 

I would agree with injest that love is emotional. It comes on many levels. It carries a feeling of acceptance as well. Feeling that acceptance when you are at your most vulnerable is so important.

 

Eventually you'll find that that kind of love satisfies your psyche the same way salt water slakes a thirst.

 

I'd be curious as to what they thought that meant. I still dont get what gay means, I can get attracted to and fully emotive towards a lump of coal if I wanted, so I dont get the whole gay thing. If the kid didnt want to answer I'd have to assume the kid wanted to have an intimate personal relationship with someone their own gender, which to me is more bisexual then gay, so I'd have to further assume they've had intimate relationships with sufficient people of the other genders without telling me to justify the assumption of being gay and not bi, which would then make me wonder whats so important about telling me about being gay or bi if they didnt want to tell me about being sexually active in a straight way to begin with. Kids are confusing.

 

So are you with that lump of coal thing.