* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!" * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea . * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.. Then the mud fell off. * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!" * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. . Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
Christ some of those would fit my Jewish Grandparents Perfectly. I love em but they really put me on edge if i spend more than a few hours at a time alone with them. Eli! The Tivo didn't tape Shalom TV for us! Mildred calm down i will be there in a second, just as soon as my back ache stops. Eli! I need you to come to the store with me! I forgot where they moved the kosher soups to. Mildred i will be there as soon as my back ache stops! ------------ now read that in stereotypical old Jewish voices... Good god. btw, pretty much all the programs on Shalom TV are just Rabbi's talking about how (*)(*)(*)(*)ing awesome israel is, how the Jewish people need to be more unified, and how the Palestinians are all (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)s lol.
