Your child says I'm gay. What do you do?

I didn't come out to my parents. Instead, it was an accusation my mother made, and which I finally admitted.

Upon that admission, I was given a scolding full of fire and brimstone from my fundamentalist evangelical mother. She told me I would be going to Hell. She expressed concern about what other people would think (as in their judgment of her as a parent).

I told her that since she obviously couldn't cope with it, we wouldn't ever discuss it again. And we pretty much didn't - for 12 years.

My mother was the one who informed the rest of the family (as I later learned). But it was simply not spoken about. It was as if that part of my life didn't exist.

Things reached a point where I was prepared to disconnect from my family completely. There was so little communication taking place between us that I didn't simply see the point in bothering anymore. I wasn't planning on making a declaration to them about my intention to sever all ties - the plan was just to cease communications and fade away. Fortunately, they sensed something was up and voiced the fear that they might never see me again - as I was literally headed out the door for what I had expected would be the last time.

"If you want to be a part of my life, I'm not going to edit out the parts you don't like anymore." (tip of the hat to Harvey Fierstein)

We have a better relationship now, due in no small part to the fact that they adore my husband. But I don't harbor any illusions that they'll ever acknowledge that relationship on a par with my siblings' marriages. We haven't had any kind of ceremony to solemnize our commitment - largely because it would just start a war within the family, rather than being the celebration of a joyous occasion it ought to be. We will always be second-class in their eyes.

 

I've never had to go through anything like that. Until I left home I truly didn't realize how lucky I was. Now I do. Your's is one more story that reminds me of that. It has to change, Perriquine. Is has to. And it will.

 

Nah she's smokin.

 

Being gay is about attraction and romantic/emotional attachment to someone of the same sex. So your assumptions would be putting the cart before the horse. One doesn't decide one's orientation by having "intimate relationships with sufficient people of the other genders". It's not something one decides at all.

Many gay people feel strong attraction to others of the same sex before the development of sexual interests, which just adds another element to that attraction.

Do heterosexuals not know they like the opposite-sex before they've had "intimate relationships with sufficient people" to confirm which sex they find attractive?

In another thread, being gay was referred to as a "genital preference". Are heterosexuals primarily attracted to each other based on liking each others' genitals? I find that bizarre.

 

and what is love to you?

and how judgemental of you to say that about someone you dont' know. Not very tolerant of you.

and as far as the point I made about pain, I was assuming we were not talking about mentally ill people.

 

Moronic post of the day!

 

If you were not going to read my post why comment on it like you did?

I said a true parent would see it in there child, I did not say you would know it about your "friends" child.

 

Well...I think your premise is all wrong.

What do you mean "Do you reject them and say you made the wrong choice?"

So in your eyes....if a parent is not supportive of the gay lifestyle then you are rejected. That isn't a healthy perspective.

Parents deal with more then that. The world doesn't revolve around you. They deal with children who have casual sex and get pregnant. Or parents deal with their children moving in with someone they have only known a week.

Personally....I get a little tired of whiney gay people who are having a fit because mommy and daddy disagrees with their lifestyle choices. There is way too much hype. Most families and parents deal with it and don't reject their children.

 

"not supportive" would be either neutral or rejecting. It's a realistic perspective.

Personally, I'm more than a little tired of people who say crap like "whiney gay people".

You would know this how? There are degrees of rejection less than severing ties.

 

Im one of those people who think people are best matched for non-gender specific reasons, which to me includes relationships of the same gender. So when ppl say gay to me I tend to percieve that as meaning they consider themselves attracted to only their own gender. Which doesnt make sense to me because human behavior is so overlapped it is not dependant very much on genitals.

Otherwise I see no point in making any distinction.... for adults. Kids though are developing and any 'belief' about what their adult identity is whilst they are a child can potentially be misguided - by nature of being underdeveloped mentally, physically and emotionally. Especially if concepts of neuroplasticity turn out to be true which would indicate a persons beliefs and practices can actually shape the structure and functioning of their own brain. I wouldnt want the kid to run the risk of being brainwashed because the kid is great friends with a buddy of the same gender and has 'done stuff' and has been couched into thinking gay is kewl by someone. Kids are easy to manipulate and protecting kids from it is one of the roles of a parent. Unfortunatly for humanity gay is considered to be playing for the same team and not simply having a relationship with someone on the same team. So whilst I'd be fine with the kid having a developing relationship with someone on the same proverbial team, I'd be cautious about them taking hold of a belief that they 'only' played for the same team. Most straight people I know 'did stuff' with, and had the closest friendships with, people of their own gender whilst kids with kids of the same age. Which goes back to my first point; Im one of those people who think people are best matched for non-gender specific reasons, which to me includes relationships of the same gender and different genders.

As a parent I wanna know all my kids close friends, but I dont ask what they get up to in too much detail. So...whilst my position isnt predicated on sexual activity as it might have seemed evident in my original post, as mentioned if forced to assume - well I'd have to assume that telling a parent 'Im gay' meant the kid was either taking it to the next level (relationship) for either experimentation or the belief of being actually gay, the later would then seemingly indicate accumulated enough personal context to justify it to themselves. Hence why I'd ask the question, mostly out of curiousity but depending on the answer I might definatly shape things to reduce the focus on the belief and quietly promote other distractions.

I am talking about kids here and not teenagers. The topic said 'child' but that could be any age. The closer a person gets to adulthood the less the parent is required to protect them and the better the child is able to determine their adult identity. If my adult child said I was gay its really irrelevant what I think and I'd be disappointed that I didnt already know.

 

I misread your post, my apologies, I thought you were talking about my son.

 

Well....I think gay people are exceptionally fragile emotionally.

If they don't get 100% support over their life decisions by their parents....they are evidently devestated.

I think the gay person's expectations are that of a spoiled child....all or nothing. And typical of the self-centered view point of the gay persona.

I'm sorry....but there is most definately something a little sick with the attitudes I hear from gay people who can't deal with someone not agreeing with their lifestyle...100%. And the more I hear this attitude, the more I start thinking back to the time when homosexuality WAS considered a mental illness.

 

It doesn't make sense to you because you're misinterpreting it. Orientation describes the direction of one's feelings of attraction toward one sex or the other, not an attraction specifically to their genitals. While differing cultural norms determine the 'props' used to give expression to masculinity or femininity, there remain traits that are typically masculine or feminine, correlating with one's sex.

It's not a case of liking male genitals and therefore preferring men. It's a matter of being attracted to certain traits that typically correlate with being male. Not an attraction to penises (sex), but to maleness (gender expression).

While people may be best matched for non-gender specific reasons, the reality that most people are more attracted to one sex than the other informs us that non-gender specific reasons aren't enough for most people.

Nor would I, but this concern is at odds with your later statement that:

In other words, same-sex experimentation doesn't seem to have the result you fear. I wouldn't want some kid to be brainwashed into thinking he's supposed to pursue heterosexual relationships despite having a same-sex orientation.

I am not the least bit sold on the idea that orientation can be manipulated this way.

 

And I think you're just talking out of your ass. Not because you apparently "disagree with" my "lifestyle", but because you seriously don't know what you're talking about and are making obviously biased judgments.

 

Most of those are cultural, and the overlap is huge due to the variation in individuals within and across genders, since we are excluding gentials and talking about behaviours and subsequant feelings. I dont understand the foundation which excludes a gender from attraction. I understand the safety of like and fear of different and how it can manifest emotionally, but I dont use it to make the leap to homosexuality.. wheras you do for the attraction to such a flimsy and variable concept such as human behaviour based on cultural props. It seems its much more likely that they are attracted to the person and not the gender, and subsequant marginalization for that leads to grouping of people in similar circumstances where a culture develops which self defines itself based on its shared features. Such groups, whatever they may be, can suffer the same attraction to, and persecution against, as things like cults! So its those sorts of influences that I consider potential sources of direct and indirect manipulation.

I didnt think I'd said or implied that about genitals, and its not where I'd imagine homosexuality might arise from but I guess its possible. I can understand to certain traits but why does it exclude the other gender, thats the bit I do not understand, especially when there is such a large overlap already in those traits across the genders.

Procreation might play a huge part in that. It probably exists as a biological and instinctive imperative for most people. The male and female bodies are basically designed so that male and female intercourse produces offspring. Also it is usually more efficient to pair to different skill sets to enable the set to have a broader range of capacities and as you point out gender tends to have differences, albeit quite overlapped in a progressive democratic and capitalist society. Desire can also be found when you have someone with something you do not, and in society this can play into gender but only really in the adult world where competition becomes more complex. So I do see a lot of scope for gender reasons exist, but from my chair most of them are heterosexual and the ones available to homosexuality do not really compare, sorry.. not meaning to judge but calling it as I see it and I could be wrong or right if such concepts even exist.

How can this concept of 'orientation' be determined with young children though?? I consider it strange to consider that a young child could have the maturity to understand or detect a gender based preference which was evidence of some biological condition. They would have to scan the brain of the child to see if such 'orientation' exists. Otherwise it sounds like the kid is being coached to make a determination they are not mature enough to do. I know in adults they have found the brains can exhibit structure and function of the different gender but as mentioned neuroplasticity could explain it in an adult.

Im not trying to convince anyone, but for my kids I want to protect them from potential manipulation. If science tells me a person, especially a developing person, can have their brain shaped by behaviour and belief then I'm going to try and offer the most open and educative experience possible. The brain is not a box full of picture memories with a CPU sitting in the middle which we cannot control... its now known to be integrated, responsive and dynamic.

 

As a parent I know exactly what I'm talking about. My stepson lived with his girlfriend after knowing her briefly. They had a kid and the kid is in hell now with custody battles and parental childness and manipulation. Regardless...he will probably follow suit with another because he has his own values and beliefs.

He knew from the first...that I didn't approve of his casual co-habitation. But he doesn't stew about it and he doesn't consider himself "second class" and he didn't feel like I treated his girlfriend any different then I would if she was married to him.

He simply knows I disagree with his lifestyle. And he moves on...comfortable with his own choices.

I simply am seeing more and more...that gay people aren't comfortable with their choices unless mommy and daddy share their values and viewpoints.

It isn't healthy. Children don't replicate the values of their parents. Gay people are no different then most children in this matter. But gay people like to be special and its worrisome.

 

I got the fire and brimstone as well. In the end mom did better than dad. They have trouble with the idea that their daughter has a wife. They did attend the wedding though. It was not the jovial celebration for them as the weddings of my siblings. We see them on occasion but not for large blocks of time. A couple of hours a few times a year. Thee are card notes and emails to my mom but dad not so much.

 

I think things will change when people begin to realize that being gay is not a choice but who we are.

 

Being gay or heterosexual is fully about attraction. I can't ever remember being attracted to a guy in a romantic way or sexual way. I dated a few times but always felt ill at ease. On a double date with a girlfriend and her guy I lost it and abandoned the guy I was with my friend and her guy, to sit in the lobby of the show.
I have never been in a heterosexual sexual situation.

 

It is a direct question. There are three different responses.
1. acceptance where the parent continues to fully embrace and love the child.
2. The parent has difficulties but the relationship is not smashed it just gets broken to a certain extent.
3. The parent does reject you. It can vary in degree. The parent my cease to have a relationship with you but does not throw you out. Some throw the child out.
So there are lots of ways a parent has to deal with it.
Mine were in the number two response. My wife had a number 3 reaction from her mother.
Parents do have a lot to deal with and number one being their children. I found in necessary to share this with them as I had a serious relationship with another girl who I later married. I thought it best to inform them that I am a lesbian before i just brought this girl home and dumped it on them. It was a consideration that gays have to think about. In a heterosexual situation you just bring the member of the opposite sex home and life continues. It is not so when you bring home someone from the same sex.

What you did here is berate the OP and never answered the question. As a parent how would you deal with a child who told you they were gay? Parents do fully reject kids. That may be why the rate of homeless gay teens is so high.

 

I used the word child because at any age you are your parents child. I was in my late teens when I came out at home. Some are much younger and some are much older. But for a gay person at some point if they form a relationship of love with someone they will come out.

 

That's not true at all. I have never been devastated by my parents reaction. It hurt. I don't deny that but most are not crushed by it unless they are fully rejected. It is not a lifestyle by the way it is an orientation.
I hear from people that don't agree all the time. It is not a big deal.
You still have not answered the OP. You avoid that.

 

I didn't agree with your premise....where a parent that doesn't agree with homosexuality as a choice....rejects the child.

The question was built on a falsehood. So it was unanswerable.

 

I am comfortable with who I am. My parents could not change that. We do not like to be special. We are who we are. The point is telling my parents was not for me it was for them. It would have been a real situation if i came home with a girl and said meet my wife. Don't parents deserve the respect of a warning that this will probably happen. Having a gay child can create a turmoil in a family.

 

It was a direct question:

Although there are other questions that could have been asked, THAT question is definitely answerable. One could answer that "yes", "no" or "I don't know".

Her premise is commonly experienced by MANY gay kids; so I see why she asked that one.

What question do you think might be better, or what could be added to the set of questions she asked?